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June Pelo
12-03-08, 00:45
Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefisk accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven.

God says, "There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It's very serious up there. I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."

So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other nervously.

On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes to straight to hell.

On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.

Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, "What are you laughing about?".

Ole replies, "Oh dat's funny. I yust got da first yoke!".
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A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a stinky pig barn. They all went in at the same time. After only two minutes the Dane came running out. Five minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After ten minutes, all the pigs ran out.
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Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new curtains."

"Vy's dat?" Ole asked.

"Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know..."

Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you! I vasn't even home last night!"
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The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $800 a month for support."

"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try ta chip in a few bucks myself."
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Lena asks her boyfriend Ole to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the Lena tells Ole that after dinner, she would like to go out and (vell ya know) for the first time. Well, Ole is ecstatic, but he has never (vell ya know) before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps Ole for about an hour. He teaches Ole everything there is to know about protection and (vell ya know). At the register, the pharmacist asks Ole how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. Ole insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, Ole shows up at the Lena's parent's house and meets her at the door. "Ole I'm so excited for you ta meet my parents, come on in." Ole goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where Lena's parents are seated. Ole quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and Ole is still deep in prayer with his head down. Three minutes of praying pass and still no movement from Ole. Finally, after five minutes of praying with his head down, Lena leans over and whispers to her Ole, "I had no idea you vere so religious."

Ole turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father vas a pharmacist."
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Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I'm Norvegian?"

"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."
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Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice."

Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice."

They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?"

The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."
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Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said "put on two coats".
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Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."
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Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the North woods and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for something to eat , he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.

The genie says, "I am the great genie of the North and I can grant each of you one wish.

Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof, Ole was gone.

Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole."

Poof, Lena was gone.

Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "What is your wish?".

Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena vas back here with me".
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Ole says to the doctor at Mayo Clinic: "I got a problem. I have a big bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day."

Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?"

Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7."
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Ole went to the doctor for a physical. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live".

Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the kitchen. Soon a heavenly aroma came from the kitchen. Lena was making his favorite cookies! "Lena must really love me" he thought. Ole went into the kitchen and started to take a cookie. Lena slapped his hand away and said "Get avay! Dese cookies aren't for you, der for da funeral!"
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One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and, having just returned from church with Lena, he was feeling a little religious.

"God," said Ole, "Ven you made Lena, vy did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant ta hold?"

Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole."

"Vell then vy, oh vy," asked Ole, "vy Lord did you make her so stupid?"

"So she would love YOU," said the voice.
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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Vy sure," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Ver ya from?"

"Norvay," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norvay too! Let's have anudder round to Norvay."

Curious, the first man then asks: "Vere in Norvay are ya from?"

"Bergen," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have anudder drink to old Bergen."

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, vere did you live?"

"On a boat, at da fishin docks," replies the second man.

"Dis is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at da fishin docks, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's up?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."
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Ole went to the Doctor because he was feeling a little sick. After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, "I'm sorry to tell you that you have a rare disease that is incurable and you are going to die in 6 months. But to help you out I'm going to prescribe that you move in with your mother-in-law."

Ole replied, "Criminy, dat's bad Doc, but vy should I move in vit my old mudder-in-law."

The Doc said, "Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life."
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Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

Ole says, "Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt ven da phone rang and I accidentally answered da iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

Ole says, "I tried ta call da doctor."

Ayla
12-03-08, 01:27
I haven't had such a good and real belly laugh like this in ages, thank you so much for posting them June. They are brilliant. I am still in tears! :D :D